Henry and George are very excited and talk about baby Eleanor (who we are thinking about calling "Ellie"; named after my amazing Aunt Eleanor) all the time. Henry loves to talk to her and tell her good morning, and letting her know "This is your big brover Henwee."
There are so many emotions- some that I can and some that I cannot describe. I have a friend that lost her sweet baby boy a few months before me, who is also expecting. She shared with me that it's hard to really call this a 'rainbow baby' (a term commonly used to refer to a baby that comes after loss) because she still feels like she's in the midst of the storm. I totally agree. Some days I am giddy with excitement, and other days I feel numb and reluctant to bond and be excited about this baby. When we first told Henry he was very excited, jumping all around the kitchen and then he just stopped and looked at us and very matter-of-factly said, "I hope this baby doesn't die." Me too buddy. Me too. But this is his reality. He has two siblings, one alive and one dead.
I still miss Lyddia very much, and know that I always will. We are coming up on fall and there are so many things that keep reminding me of her, of the time surrounding her death and the subsequent months. Since she was born on Oct 30, just the mention of Halloween has become a trigger for me- something I never would have thought about before. It is the nature of life that there are often babies in my facebook feed, and babies all around that are similar ages, and I see them and think about what she would be like. I wonder if I will do this for the rest of my life- watch for babies, little girls, teenagers, adults who would be her age. For now, I try hard to focus on the blessing of the life growing inside of me, but the hole of the loss is still very real.
