Killer

I'm a killer. I walk down the street and I kill insects. I do. I'm sorry. You know how people say things like, "She wouldn't hurt a fly". I have. I have not only hurt them, but killed them. My most recent kill was four plants. A sweet guy sent them congratulating me on my new apartment....my new job...defending my thesis...and I think also manging to not have a mental breakdown in the process, though the card left this out. For some reason I imagine that Hallmark really can't market "Congratulations on your sanity".

So He sent houseplants. Very thoughtful, stable, they are going to last, going to be my constant companions, I thought. I thought that until I killed them, that is.

Another friend, Adam, condemned them to death at 12:09pm Wednesday. The cause of death? Root Rot. What the heck does that mean? It means that I was overzealous in my watering. Like a mother who has a swollen infant, I just wanted to give them more and more to ensure their survival, and instead I manged to push them over the precipce to death. I thought that if I stopped watering them, I could bring them back to life... but it turns out that this only pushed them further over the edge.

I wonder if I am like this with culture sometimes.

I want to understand the people around me. I want to be able to converse with the people that I work with. I want to be able to sing along with the songs as we are riding in the car. But soon, I get so saturated, that it drips out of me. Everything drips out of me, and I can no longer even take in the nutrients that I need.

I love cussing. I just want to say that. I stopped for a while, but since moving to Birmingham, and being around the people I'm around, I have been doing it a lot more. I have justified it until I really think that it's ok most of the time. I love the taste of the words in my mouth. I love the giggles and the shock value that it brings. I love the impact that it makes when statments are peppered with a stronger vanacular.

BUt is this just a sign of more root rot?

I really do love people. I want to be able to sit with them. To soak them in. I want to somehow find the balance of not living locked away, unaware of the culture that is taking place before me, but still valuing the and truly being able to ABSORB genuine experience.

Father, may I learn to walk the balance of being in the world but not of the world. Of being with people, but not manipulating, or seeking to control them or the situation. May I learn to have eyes to see hurt and grant me hands that are tools of healing.